I'm sorry for yelling. It wasn't me. Someone took over when I opened my mouth and I had no control over what happened next. I suspect it's quite similar to what happens to you when you shout and scream and protest all of the things. But I'm an adult. I should know better. I'm trying to make up for it and that means taking better care of myself so I can take care of you.
Being a stay-at-home mom is challenging with one child, but with two it becomes exponentially more challenging. Sometimes I shock myself. I go to say something and it comes out as a grumpy sounding yell. Not a full out yell, but close to it. Unfortunately, my 3 year old is usually on the receiving end. Granted, he is usually doing something he shouldn't be, but that's no excuse. I try to be a patient, calm parent even, perhaps especially, when redirecting behavior. But there are days and even weeks when I am running on empty. Those weeks are hard on us all. I go to bed feeling awful about various things I did or didn't do; I feel guilty for not watching when Riley says, "mommy, look!" just so he can show me, for the hundredth time, that he can take a giant step forward. In the moment, I feel like there couldn't be anything more inconvenient. At 10:30pm, I feel like that may have been the most important moment of my day (and his) and I missed it.
It isn't so much about missing the action; it's more about missing the chance to make him feel heard and cared for and important. It's a constant balancing act that is impossible to master sometimes. Figuring out how to keep my sanity while fulfilling my role as a mother is extremely challenging. I feel like I have one area nailed while others are crumbling around me.
It's times like this when I am endlessly thankful for my mama friends on social media who post the most helpful articles. They help sift through the barrage of parenting junk and use their smart minds to share the stuff that really matters. This article (http://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/02/i-think-i-know-why-youre-yelling/) is one of the best I've read in a while. (Hello #1! I always need reminders to do that.) Each of the points offered here are completely valid and spoke to me so clearly.
When I read this yesterday, I found myself trying to remember the last time I took care of myself. Or let someone take care of me. Based on my behavior alone, I can say that it has been too long.
So this week I'm making it all about self-care, patience, calming words, and understanding in the hopes that I can make this a long-term change.
But most importantly, I'm sorry for yelling.